Letting everybody down

[neufena]

So since being married (and even more so since having a child) I've had to cut down on all the things I do that allow me to put on a facade of being a worthwhile human being. Despite arguments I've managed to keep 2 things, Sword Dancing and my band. However last night I let the dancers down to such a huge extent I think that will have to go too. My wise and (when I had one) my therapist always told me I don't need to do anything to make myself worthwhile, I guess we're all about to see just how little I have left.

A bit of background. Once a year there's a national championship of this kind of dancing. This year's is in 2 weeks time. We're worked hard, written a new dance and I was given one of the positions that involves doing a 'tumble' (a basic backflip) and it's the highlight of the dance. I've genrerally (odd mishap aside) been ok with this. Not quite getting the timing correct every dance but to an acceptable level. We had a full day practice and performance 2 weekends ago. I wasn't totally on form in practice, messing a few up and there was a discussion about if I could get it right in time for the championship or if I needed to swap position and let someone else take that move. I said I was determined to get it right and the (long) day's performance would be enough to cement it in my mind.

So we set out to perform in pubs. We do a dance and have a small drink in each one. In the last pub of the day (16th pub) I fell off the tumble and landed hard on my head. I finished the dance and we called it a day. Because of family commitments I couldn't make practice the next Monday but was there yesterday. Every tumble I attempted I got wrong (either didn't get over or bottled it) and the decision was made to swap me and another dancer. Now we have 1 performance and 1 practice to get used to new positions. It has affected the performance and now our chances of winning anything are severely diminished. Plus I've lost the respect of my peers.

It's too last now for me to pull out completely but after the championship I'll do the honorable thing and leave the team knowing I ruined their chances of a prize this year and likely will be very unpopular for a very long time.

It's a shame but I guess I've just hit the wall of ability and need to accept it's just another thing I failed at. I guess on the bright side it reduced me to 3 friends and one thing to concentrate on using to make myself worthwhile. Tho I'll now be under even more pressure to never mess anything up with the band.

[manuel_moe_g]

You can't see it or feel it, but you have definite worth aside from pleasing other people every time. But I know the sinking feeling you are talking about.

You did your best and you are not a failure.

[neufena]

Thanks for your kind words. I know you all mean well but, respectfully, statements like 'you have worth' just sound hollow. I work hard to try and do right by society, I guess I come here to let the mask off and try to accept my lack of worth.

I have tried very hard all my life but it's been failures at every turn. I want to give up but I'm so used to trying I don't even know where to start. Therapists etc refuse to help as they say it's unethical to help someone come to terms with being worthless or a failure. They try to fabricate a false reality which is very dangerous when it backfires or falls apart (been there tried that!).

Somewhere out there must be help (people, books, websites, anything) that will guide me to fully withdrawing and stopping being a burden on the world.

[Beany Boo]

I read your post.

[neufena]

Anxiety is really rising about tomorrow's performance now. I literally have that evenings tour (about 8-10 dances) then one more 2-hour practice on Monday to achieve the following (many of which are out of my control...)

1) Perfect my new position. Basically reprogram months of muscle memory
2) The person I swapped with has to also perfect their new position
3) the other 3 dancers in the team have to get used to different people (with different weights, variants in movements etc being in different places.

I think it's a tall order. I had dreams last night about how much people from other teams are going to look down on me at the competition when they find out. I'm hoping to keep it hidden from judges so it doesn't add any prejudice but I'm not sure that will be possible.

This one mistake has taken the pressure up from "would be nice if we win" to "we MUST win". Anything short of a win now will be seen as my fault. Winning is now the ONLY way I could hope to redeem myself and remain welcome in that community.

To make matters worse in my life I also called out a band member on Tuesday for deliberately not telling me which song came next in an attempt to put me off and make me look stupid. Needless to say it succeeded AND I'm now hated for calling them out on it. I've basically fucked up both of the remaining hobbies/pass times I have.

On the plus side my wife will stop complaining that I'm always practicing/performing and never at home once I'm out of both things. Tho I'm sure there'll be something else I do wrong even if I spend every (non-working) hour with her.