Troebia's Diary

[manuel_moe_g]

i hear you, brother.

Wishing you the best, Troebia.

For me, it is always because i have a "negative bank account" as far as my wife is concerned. so my great want/need i have for my wife to desire me sexually, it is never the right time

I have this text message chambered for sending to my wife later (i had pretty good luck taking time to write a text message that says what i would not otherwise be able to bring up, it is not ideal human communication, but i am on the autism spectrum, so i cut myself some slack)

~~~~~

i know that you feel disrespected and you feel like you are not being supported and you feel like you can't count on me, because of what you see as my choice to be lazy.

i know you don't believe in depression and ADHD. I think, personally, that there is a lot of evidence that i have depression and ADHD. And a lot of what you see as "lazy" is explained by depression and ADHD. And if i wasn't working so hard on managing my depression and ADHD, it would be even worse.

I am not using depression and ADHD was justifications for bad behavior. I am managing my symptoms, as best i can, so i be more responsible and support you better.

~~~~~

[Mental Fairy]

Oh you both deserve so much more. My heart is heavy. You are all such beautiful people inside, outsides don’t matter to me. Just my own that pisses me off!

[troebia]

For me, it is always because i have a "negative bank account" as far as my wife is concerned. so my great want/need i have for my wife to desire me sexually, it is never the right time

Manny, this is heart-breaking. I feel that our situations are somewhat similar.

My wife is perfectly content with keeping things as they are while I, on the other hand am unhappy with the MIL situation and also sexually starved, but I'm a hostage of the circumstances. I've long been unable to carry my own weight after breakdowns while working under stress, and any intents to re-enter some kind of employment ended in disaster... and this is of course "lazy" and emasculating territory.

I wonder what would happen to our relationship if the power balance were to become more equal. But while imagining different scenarios (even those where I have some financial independence), they all seem to thrust me into loneliness, not just solitude. I wouldn't be strong enough to resist alcohol and Xanax addiction in that kind of situation.

[manuel_moe_g]

But while imagining different scenarios (even those where I have some financial independence), they all seem to thrust me into loneliness, not just solitude. I wouldn't be strong enough to resist alcohol and Xanax addiction in that kind of situation.

when i think of myself on my own i think of me completely breaking down and becoming inert. my depression and my "primal-panic-response" of "freeze" would lead me to become inert.

[troebia]

when i think of myself on my own i think of me completely breaking down and becoming inert. my depression and my "primal-panic-response" of "freeze" would lead me to become inert.

This is how I fear I'd react too, MM. But I have small windows of hope, in moments when I do or think something independently. It could be anything, but without those flickers I'd crumble. I'm sure you have those good moments too.

[Henrryon09]

Oh you both deserve so much more. My heart is heavy. You are all such beautiful people inside, outsides don’t matter to me. Just my own that pisses me off!

It's amusing (in the bad way) how we can find so many beautiful things in others but when it comes to us it's so hard to find sometimes even 1 single thing that we would find good about ourselves, I belive you are beautiful dear!

[troebia]

Philosophical update

I now find myself at a sort of impasse with social interactions, and I find it confusing and slightly worrying.

For example, the other day I went with a friend to a village not far from here to paint watercolors. That was OK enough, but after having a beer together and saying goodbye, I was left with the sensation that I could just as well gone alone. And at the same time I had been craving some sort of company, dialogue, complicity.

Today, a similar feeling when wife had some family over. It's not that I hate everyone in my spouse's family, but I went to sit alone in another room at the first opportunity because the conversation was so boring. Even worse (or better?!), wife had told me in advance that one uncle was very ill and about to have serious surgery, but he was there just acting normal and nobody mentioned it the whole time.

I imagine people who return from war feel like this. They'll suddenly be around people who chat about trivialities instead of deciding matters of life and death.

Maybe these antisocial feelings are indirectly caused by too much alcohol. It's very hard for me to be stone-cold sober with my wife's family, for example, so quietly withdrawing from them could be a sort of unconscious self-defense mechanism to avoid poisoning myself even more. My inner "art world" is also becoming an important refuge for me and sadly it's much easier to connect to it while not sober (citations from real, famous artists not needed ).

[manuel_moe_g]

My inner "art world" is also becoming an important refuge for me and sadly it's much easier to connect to it while not sober (citations from real, famous artists not needed).

Thank you for the post and update. But please, don't even as a joke, insinuate that you are not a "real" artist. Your art stirs an emotional connection.

Please take care

[Mental Fairy]

I look forward to seeing your next art piece on here. It’s like a little treasured moment and privilege to have you share it with us.

[troebia]

Here is an example of what I'm experimenting with right now using ink brush and different ink pens.

ink_animals.gif (212.44 KiB) Viewed 316 times

It's very gratifying to just pour something out on the page without a previous sketch or plan. Kind of the opposite to sitting in front of a landscape or a model.

Often, memories will come into my mind while I'm drawing and affect my mood. For example while travelling one will often come across situations that are sad and/or just wrong, in this case it could be a small enclosure of wire fence with a couple of sad dogs next to a warehouse somewhere in Andalucía, seen on a trip two years ago.