Troebia's Diary

[troebia]

Hello,

I've thought of creating an anonymous Tumblr, joining some obscure Facebook group or a subreddit, or even throwing it out there on a fake Instagram, but this forum topic "Dear Diary" just feels better as a kind of journal of thoughts and medications that may or may not interest others. Comments are very welcome.

Today:
Two glasses of wine and 0.25mg Xanax so far, and it wasn't even 10 AM. In my reasoning now, I am promoting alcohol from a vice or a drug to essential medication that allows me to function.

[oak]

Troebia, thank you for sharing. I appreciate your honesty.

I'll look forward to future posts with interest.

[troebia]

It's noon and so far no Xanax and with only the first glass of wine as we speak.

Yesterday night with friends over at the house and it felt good though also draining. Best part was that there was lots of conversation and it didn't come off as weird if I just was silent for a long while. I hate ping-pong interactions.

I have a drawing club challenge sitting on the screen in front of me but I feel blank. This is the reason I don't progress, an artist should just get their sh*t together and get crackin' like good old Vincent. Present mood is more like wanting to have an unproductive wank...but even for that it's too hot in here. And if I open the windows too much right now, I can't even hear myself think for all the cicadas.

village.jpg (182.57 KiB) Viewed 585366 times

Here's a sketch from last year, in the North of Spain. Fairly happy with it because it was literally done in five minutes, leaning against a wall.

[manuel_moe_g]

I love that sketch. I love the electrical wires and telephone wires, I love them in any drawing, it is supposed to be ugly and a blight, but to me it is a sign of life.

Very impressive that you sketched all that in 5 minutes. So beautiful and alive. I am glad you have returned to the forum, Troebia! Thank you for gracing us with your art!

[troebia]

Thank you for being so kind, Manuel Moe.

[oak]

Thank you for being so kind, Manuel Moe.

Agreed with both: Manuel Moe is kind, and your painting is excellent. You have a real gift.

Also, I’m glad your social interaction went well.

Keep us posted!

[troebia]

First thank you too, Oak, for kind review.

This diary thread is becoming addictive to me, and it's going to be filled with lots of uncoherent and irrelevant thoughts until I eventually fizzle out. Therefore it's probably best to not scatter my posts all over the forum...

One minor cause of anxiety for me is our small plot of land where I try to grow some vegetables for ourselves. Over the last ten years it's been a very hit-and-miss project but I haven't really had the time to worry too much if suddenly all the peppers catch some pest or if the tomatoes have some mineral deficiency. Now I'm at the point where I in theory have the time, and also an endless source of information through YouTube gardening videos. The bar has been raised, so to say, both by myself and by what my wife expects. In the beginning the earth was very poor but through composting and adding natural fertilizers it's now at the point where if water is added, something will grow -- either what I planted, or some weeds that choke it. Because all the different vegetables have different life and growth cycles and also their own specific pests and nutrient needs, it's becoming a game of whack-a-mole to produce something eatable. I can't/won't spend more than a couple of hours each day on the garden but it doesn't seem to be enough. More to come.

[manuel_moe_g]

I wonder what is worse: being primarily anxious or primarily depressed?

I am primarily depressed, myself

Do you have success giving yourself grace, Troebia? I am getting better at it. I hope in your gardening adventure, you can give yourself grace and do it all with a sense of play and experimentation

[troebia]

I wonder what is worse: being primarily anxious or primarily depressed?
I am primarily depressed, myself

I suppose there are degrees or levels of them both. I imagine severe depression as living in a deep dark hole, and severe anxiety as being so worried that coherent thought is impossible. I've always thought of anxiety as being more variable, and depression as more constant? Which is worse, the constant weight of a rock or being hit by stones suddenly and without warning?

What eases your depression, Manuel Moe? As you know, Xanax and alcohol calms down my anxiety.

Do you have success giving yourself grace, Troebia? I am getting better at it. I hope in your gardening adventure, you can give yourself grace and do it all with a sense of play and experimentation

I am excellent at judging myself and others, often harshly and without any rational motive as my dear wife often reminds me. I judge myself for not knowing how to grow tomatoes successfully and perfectly, after ten years of trying. Maybe success and perfection poisons my mind, to the point that I can't even enjoy what little I harvest. There is a wonderful, Japanese concept of gardening that consists in throwing "seed balls" onto the earth and just letting things happen. I wish it could work here, but every plant in this climate needs programmed drip irrigation and after two weeks without weeding everything would be smothered... I will continue my toil. If the tomatoes fail, there are cucumbers. If the beans fail, there are peppers. Life isn't perfect, I try to tell myself while also avoiding to peek over the fence at my neighbours' splendid vegetables.

[manuel_moe_g]

Yeah, the judgement muscle is like the heart muscle: can never take a break

Depression can make me to sleep my life away

I will wish for you, Troebia, a blessed break from self-judgement in your garden. You deserve that very nice thing