What I am currently working on

[manuel_moe_g]

To be more productive, I am writing out longhand this list of 11 thoughts. Writing it out longhand connects me with the thoughts in a way that just reading it off my smartphone does not.

[1] my self-worth and my idea-of-myself is not conditional on getting this stuff done
[2] I am not perfect, it is realistic to know I have a set amount of energy
[3] thinking about my responsibility to my daughter helps
[4] not being perfect does not cast a judgement on me that I am a bad dad or bad husband
[5] forgive myself - be compassionate to myself
[6] imagine compassionately guiding my daughter through my tasks with my same challenges - absolutely would not invalidate her feelings
[7] do something, do anything (maybe even just looking seriously at the problem) - this is Compassionate in the long term - a strategy against overwhelm
[8] celebrate successes, even seemingly small ones
[9] this is true, I am proceeding from a place of strength (I am a hard worker and I complete difficult things)
[10] from strength, can look at the challenges in front of me, instead of fleeing - because of willingness and bravery to risk
[11] to simply look at the (emotional) blocks of a overwhelming thing is brave and risky and gutsy - give yourself all due credit

This list of 11 thoughts contains some messages that I have serious blockages with. For some reason, it is much much easier to be compassionate to my daughter, than to myself. I am mean to myself in a way that I just couldn't bear being mean to my daughter.

It is a new experience trying to be more productive while at the same time being compassionate to myself. In the past I would beat myself up at every turn.

[bigeekgirl]

I was more productive when I was still beating myself up for my failures, regularly and without questioning it. Still looking for that balance. Perhaps it's in the multiple baskets of laundry I've washed but not put away.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hi BigGeekGirl!

Yeah, I wasn't very successful when I was beating myself up for not being productive, because then I would just shut down completely and do nothing. I am hoping that by being compassionate to myself I can make steady progress in small steps.

[oak]

This is an excellent start, Manuel Moe. You are Enough.

Keep us posted as to your progress.

[manuel_moe_g]

Thanks Oak, that means a lot to me for you to say that.

I am disappointed in myself about how much time I waste with my smartphone. The compassionate way to deal with it is to realize that I am [1] bored or [2] overwhelmed and I am self-soothing, and that is why I use my smartphone in such a manner. The compassionate way to proceed is to know that I am trying to stop, give myself credit when I put away my smartphone, and to know that I am moving from one set of habitual behaviors to a new set and that this is difficult for all humans.

(I wish I wrote as well as all you do on the message board! Writing is not my strong suit.)

[manuel_moe_g]

Validate my feelings that makes taking a nap or playing on my smartphone seem like a good idea. Think about how I would treat myself if I was a different person that I cared about - my self-hatred would not be triggered and I would treat the different person with respect and care and patience. So then treat myself with respect and care and patience.

[brownblob]

Good luck on your journey Manuel. I know how hard it is to try to have compassion for yourself.

[rivergirl]

Your mean voice probably had a lifetime to learn how to beat you up, mmg. Your compassionate voice is just learning how to speak up and be heard. I'm glad that you're making the effort, because you deserve to be motivated with respect and compassion, not with hateful words.

Please be kind to our friend mmg!

[manuel_moe_g]

no evidence that being mean to myself leads to better results - and, logically, being compassionate to myself makes sense for more energy to give of myself to my loved ones

[manuel_moe_g]

I am feeling depressed and hopeless

remember that the hopeless feeling is illogical because I have no idea where a life of small steady incremental improvement will lead. And I have objective evidence that I have sustained small steady incremental improvement.

Turn off the part of my mind that projects into the future and allow myself to feel mystery about how fulfilling my future can be.

Does this even make any sense? Allow myself to feel the giddy feeling of a fulfilling future.

Don't care about projecting into the future, bring to mind carelessness and giddiness.

I am going to have to revisit this, I am writing this poorly. It is blowing my mind just thinking about relieving myself of the burden to projecting negatively into the future. Maybe that is what I am talking about - just let my little mind be blown just thinking that I am relieved of duty from projecting negatively into the future. It is a cruel task that I just don't have to do.