Dear sunlessgirl

[Imissmysun]

Having a really awful day - just got pulled into my bosses office because I texted on my phone for 5 seconds - I was checking on my kids - I hardly ever get on my phone at work short of breaks and lunch and I generally leave places and forget about it - but for some reason I feel like I have a witch hunt at my work and I am the witch - it is just so demanding of my energy - I have nothing to give today - I am so tired of this atmosphere - my boss is pretty much the worst boss I have ever had in my life - I have no idea how he is still employed -

I am going to try to keep my head up for the rest of the day and not get angry or discouraged but I am so very angry right now - anger makes me cry and I am at work - and crying at work is embarassing - but I do it just about once or twice a month - because the atmosphere is so toxic

[Imissmysun]

because yesterday was an emotional break down today is kind of a blah day - my therapist gave me an exercise I am failing at horribly - I am supposed to start just stating where I am going in the house - I am going to the kitchen I am going to the bathroom - I am going to my room - this is for several reasons but mostly to begin to give all my kids the steps and the bios more security so they know where to find me - so they feel safer -

But I am having a really hard time with this exercise - I am surprised how hard it is to give voice to my location - I was angry about it the first night - like how dare these little beings know where I am - I felt kind of silly and embarassed as well -I think this is also a fear that I will be seen - and being seen menas you can get in trouble - so I want to hide - also when you are seen trouble can find you as well - so the kids arguments can find me and their chaos can find me and I want to hide from that - (which of course I shouldn't I should engage and help release the tension and foster peace) -

yesterday I felt scattered it was hard for me to say where I was going because I didn't always know myself - I noticed that I do tend to amble about without purpose - or with too many purposes and I lose track of my intentions for walking into a room -

I was really surprised at my irritibility with the exercise - I don't think I realize how deeply the shame of being seen and being noticed goes into me - I remember in school I wished to be invisible so many days - bringing attention to myself only brought feelings of humiliation and embarassment - so I still shrink from being seen - I find that really telling that I just really crawl out of my skin having to tell someone where I am - how strange that just the act of saying I am going to such and such a room can bring up all these feelings - I am really kind of flabergasted and yet there is a deep amount of anxiety that is being brought up as well - like seriously what if someone sees me... like really sees me

[Imissmysun]

so far today is going ok - other than oversleeping and being late to work and my fiance being upset that I overslept and that I didn't tell him we were out of something at the house - I am kind of ok with that though - I am always messing something up - its either communication or life or finances or something I can't keep all the balls up in the air at the same time -

I am probably going to have a pitty party day my confidence is kind of blown - I have been hearing the voices that call me dumb and stupid and all that good stuff sneaking back into my mind - they had been quiet - not that I had replaced it with positive speak just no speak - but I am feeling pretty much like a losery loser today..

There is a pervasive feeling of dark cloud - I just want to find the darn do over button - I feel ike I am in a game that doesn't have a save progress space - I keep trying but whatever I do just undoes itself when I go to sleep - like I just keep replaying the same stupid mistakes over and over again and I can't find my way out -

I feel really sad and a little hopeless maybe today - I am just frustrated with myself - I want to do so much better 0 why is this physical being so limited - why can't I keep myself here and present and follow through with anything? Why is that so flipping hard - I can't do anything postive for myself for more than a day or two - why?


Am I the only one that repeatedly and continually self - sabatoges my life? I am victimizing myself... WHy?

God I am getting so angry and fed up with myself and I am completely unsure what to do with my brain right now - I am wondering if none of this really matters - if my spiritual self is just laughing compassionately as I am agonizing literally in pain over this stuff and it turns out to just be like a millispark in my journey - I wish I could see that perspective - being in a body with a brain is so heavy - taking it around and making it do things - feeding it - bathing it - so much work - and then you have to have your body interact with others on top of all the making it move you have to form coherent sentences and talk to other beings... part of me is so tired and just wants to hit the stop button for a while - I keep saying that the ride isn't fun anymore and I just want to get off - but I can't because it won't slow down enough

kind of a dark place today wish I had a hug

[Imissmysun]

so today I am feeling a lot more calm - I think that when I don't take my meds in the morning it makes for a looooong day - and the darkness was real - it was scary - it almost makes me laugh at myself today - like really I was just fantasizing about being a disembodied spiritual thing staring at my left behind body vessel - like that is a valid option - I mean I have a lot on my plate and the damaged babies I take care of would be REALLY damaged - so no out for me - I will let nature decide how I get out of the physical realm -

I was really calm last night with the kids I did not raise my voice at all - I listened and I was as present as possible - I did not allow myself to get caught up in their chaos - I was present for it but did not allow it to get in and cause chaos for me - it was a minor win - I tried to keep the exercise going where I say where I am - it is wicked hard - I keep not really being aware that I have just changed positions in the house - I tend to be scattered - dinner - cleaning laundry - kids I kind of am all over the place so sometimes I have left an area and I am like well gosh you aren't in the kitchen anymore did you even realize that you distracted yourself to another task?

the kids are all getting anxious for school - nervous excited - it manifests in snarkiness - temper tantrums - irritibility - so they are all on edge - it makes for a lot of calm down sessions all over the house -

Ok time to be kind to myself - to take it easy to have some tea - do something calming so I can go home and be calm and not yelly - because that worked for me - I felt a lot more even - (especially after I took my medicine- I had left late in the morning and forgot to take it - the meds make my brain not go on such fierce awful tangents)

[brownblob]

I hope you are still maintaining your calm and chalking up minor wins.

[Imissmysun]

I observed and stated a feeling of hurt to my person today it felt better after I am proud that I was able to do that. I generally am super bad at expressing my feelings

[rivergirl]

Sunny girl,
Reading through your last few posts. I'm glad things have been a bit better the past few days. This is late, but i'm sending you the hug you needed on Sept. 1, with a few more for good measure!

rivergirl

[Imissmysun]

Thank you for the *hugs*

Today is kind of a meh day.. Not sure how else to put it -

There were big wigs in today at work - they didn't talk to me - of course they didn't I am just a little cog - insignificant - I just talk to people and solve problems so that they don't end up on someone else's desk - no biggie -

I hate when we have visits we all pretend that we dress up for work and that our desks are clean and that we are very focused on work (which it is slow today so there is no work) - I don't get anxious at all because I am never recognized I am invisible - unless a scape goat is needed - then I am prime target A -

Sometimes it feels like there is no point to doing a great job at my job - it is not noticed that I am personable, polite, and well spoken on the phone - whatever - its just a stupid job - maybe someday I will do something I enjoy its not right now -

I feel drowned in the coorporate structure - its like your voice means nothing and speajing up gets you literally no where - its an exercise in futility -

Meh

[Imissmysun]

Why haven't I written?

I am tired - I am tired of never being good enough for anyone - the weekend sucked - it sucked so much - i feel ike I am relyed upon so much and then hung out to dry when I show to be human - I had a mega fight with my person - he angers me when he airs our stuff in front of his kids - I knew that as soon as he left his kids were going to be legion against me - and that exactly happened - they were snarky and bad tempered and I just did my best to ignore them and clean the house -

Why in the world he thinks I am some kind of super hero I don't know - what part of the large ring of fat around my middle screams super hero to you?

I am better today - I am making myself have a good day - smiling and stuff - I do like smiling but some days that feels like it will take more muscles than I physically possess to make that happen -

[brownblob]

I think it is a mistake to air things out in front of children.

Hey you're a mom that's some kind of superhero isn't it?