who the fuck am i

[Wren]

I'm trying to make friends but I feel so damn clumsy about it. I also feel like such a defeatist I wonder what's the point when I will just try to hide from them once I have them. Or I pick and choose. I want this person to be my friend but not that one.
This girl I work with keeps trying to reel me in but she's so fucking draining. I want to be nice to her but she has no sense of boundaries. Even physical ones. You can tell she's latched on to you because she's literally standing shoulder to shoulder with you when she's going on and on and on and on about whatever the drama of the day is.
But I feel like an asshole saying that. She reminds me a lot of myself. So I try to realize that my reacting to her is partly my reacting to things about myself and my past self that I don't like. But also she talks so damn much and always she's needing some sort of consoling. It's hard enough not having panic attacks at work but then she's yapping in my ear all day about some guy she's dated for a month and doesn't like.

And I try to give her advice. Like I try to give advice here even though I feel like an asshole doing that too. Cause ultimately I want to be helpful and nice and make friends and have everyone like me. But mostly I just don't ever know what to say. I feel like I used to have this persona that could charm folks and say all the witty and cute things people want to hear and like hearing. I could bat my long eyelashes and flirt and all that shit. Now I'm 31, over weight again, married, and probably boring as fuck to boot now that I don't party and get fucked up downtown all the time.

To top it off here I am complaining about this and my 27 year old brother-in-law is laying in emergency ICU trying not to die. And my poor 26 year old sister-in-law is sitting in some hospital room praying to not become widow. I feel so fucking awful too because partly I don't want him to die because I will have to take off work to go up there with my husband. I will have a hard time making ends meet this month (harder than I already am). How fucking selfish is that?! Mostly I don't want him to die because my sister-in-law deserves to have her life go on in the happy direction it was already going and not be thrown into a giant pit of mourning. They're too young to go through this. It's fucking awful.

[manuel_moe_g]

Wren is not a selfish asshole. Wren is trying to get through life the best she can. Wren has things of value to offer. Too much objective evidence of worth even in the short time you have been here in the forum for it to be an illusion. Wren is valuable and has things of value to offer.

[lawlessness45]

I want to offer some form of encouragement, but I don't quite know what to say. I want to second what moe said. You are a valuable and worthy human being. Please hang in there. (let me know if this phrase makes you want to punch me...I just realized it's the same one thats on that kitten poster..the one where the kitten is hanging onto a branch and looks like it's screaming....and I've been using it like butter on toast.) But beside that insecurity, I'm sending you hugs and good vibes through the internet. Wish I had more to offer.

[Wren]

Thank you, moe and lawless. It's really nice to receive the encouragement on here. I always find it hard to find the right words when I start typing here, my mind goes blank. I've been having trouble using my voice lately, I mean, kind of literally but more figuratively. I find when I start connecting to people I get the choking sensation, or my mind goes blank, or my stomach rumbles...etc.
I will say however that I love the cat poster. In fact, I often mimic it when I'm trying to lift a friend's mood. I'll put my paw up and do a little meow. So it brings a smile to my face lawlessness. And reading the words of support on here are really helpful. I know this forum is for opening up and saying all the ugly shit that's bottled up inside and making connections but for some reason it just feels selfish and wrong when I'm doing it. Part of my issue. I've been hurt so often by people that I should have been able to trust that making myself vulnerable again feels dangerous. Too often has my vulnerability been used for someone else's pleasure or manipulation. While I know intellectually that this won't happen here it's still something I have to work on very carefully.
Anyway. Thanks so much for the support. I'm glad I can start to work on finding my voice here. Hugs to you both