Frustrated - Being Myself / Trying to Change

[Frootsy Collins]

I have been in a relationship for about 5 months now. Lately I have noticed some problems cropping up. For background, I have had depression and anxiety for most of my life and have been in treatment for it for the past 4 years or so. I have also started taking medication about 6 months ago.

The main issue we're having is that I'm having a conflict between being myself, but also modifying my behavior to both be happier and be less of a burden on my girlfriend. She is much tougher than I am, and I'm emotionally sensitive due to an abusive upbringing. Because of this, she sometimes get distressed when I become depressed and tell her how I'm feeling. She understands I have an issue and am working on it, but has been frustrated lately with how sensitive I am and feels it is too draining for her in the long run.

This is especially frustrating because she has anxiety attacks often, and I always try my best to stay collected and compassionate with her so she feels support with her own mental illness issues, and I'm very happy to do it. It feels unfair to me that I'm not allowed the same compassion when I'm trying so hard to not let my depression take over.

I suppose the central conflict that I'm having is that my therapy process emphasizes both self-improvement and self-compassion for my flaws. Lately it feels like my girlfriend has become someone very judgmental that I can't be myself in front of, and I have to fundamentally change who I am to be good enough for her. With my depression and anxiety, it's very difficult for me to navigate the grey area objectively and know where I need to change my behavior, or where I really am the problem in the relationship.

I'd like to emphasize that our relationship has been up to this point very mutually supportive, and this is a recent phenomena. I don't know if this is temporary or not, and I don't want to loose a relationship I've been getting so much out of.

I know I'm jumping all over the place and leaving details out, but these thoughts are confusing to me and I'm having trouble sorting them. Does anyone have advice or experience with this kind of relationship issues as it relates to mental illness recovery? Please ask me for more details if I've left out anything that would give context or aid in advice. Typing about depression can be really draining when I'm trying to compose a large essay...