Cut off contact

[kitterztoo]

My parents are also outside the modern age. I will say my mother has a cell phone, but not one that can text with.

I started with simple boundaries with them when my youngest daughter was in kindergarten. My eldest sister was estranged from my parents for nearly 13 years at that point. I refused to choose sides. Everyone would be invited to any events and it would be up to them to decide whether to come. That started the beginning of the end.

I cut off all contact by slowly withdrawing my girls' contact with them. My eldest daughter didn't want to spend time with them when she hit 6th grade, I didn't want them in my house, and due to my father's medical condition he couldn't come pick them up. I also didn't want my daughters to be exposed to my parents' abuse toward my disabled sister living with them. The final straw was when husband and I said we would be spending Christmas alone with our girls instead of at their house. My husband and I explained that fact calmly, and my mother flipped out saying I was feeding him lies etc. He explained that it was just for Christmas and not for all holidays. They refused to speak to me after that. My brother and his wife jumped on board with my parents. I knew he would. I didn't have a relationship with him growing up.

My father died this past February. I was banned from his hospital room, but one night I snuck in to see him to say goodbye. I hope he knew who I was. I had closure. I know I most likely won't be able to say the same for my mother when it's her time to leave this earth.

I've grieved that loss of a family I never had. I never actually said I was breaking contact. I never wrote them a letter. I gradually pulled away from them. Always remember you're an adult and it's YOUR life. Do you want to spend it contorting yourself to meet their standards or do you want to spend it living a less-stressful one?

Will it be easy? No. Will it be mess-free? No. What it will be is YOUR life with healthy boundaries. If they can't respect them, then you must do what is healthy and right for you.

[bigeekgirl]

I've grieved that loss of a family I never had.

I feel myself moving through the grieving process over the loss of my illusions over my parents. Over the idea of having parents I can run to in times of need. Over the idea of a proper happy childhood. I've never actually lost someone I loved to death since I've been close to so few people in my life, but I think it would be easier than this. A co-worker recently lost her father and I'm a little jealous she can openly morn because people understand. At least I could explain the days I've cried at work or seemed distracted without having to explain about anxiety and therapy to people who don't understand what I'm going through at all.

Always remember you're an adult and it's YOUR life. Do you want to spend it contorting yourself to meet their standards or do you want to spend it living a less-stressful one?

It is hard for me to accept my right to have my own life, separate from my parents - mostly my mother - and even to have negative thoughts toward her. As I've told my husband, it has been my hope - one that shrinks daily - that I will discover as I "fix" my mental health issue how wrong I was about my parents. If I'm just "crazy" and they are wonderful, supportive people, I can change my perception. If their "love" makes everything okay, I can have what I see around me in parent/child relationships other adults have. The more I uncover about my past, the more I know I am right and I don't have a choice available to me to change the dynamic with them with radical steps.

I do want to live the best life I can. In "tinkering" with my life circumstances, I've found contact with them is one of the few triggers I have left. It's undeniable because everything else has changed in the last four years. They haven't changed. That little girl who needed better back then freezes when their number comes up on the caller ID. I'm not going to put either of us through it without making sure I am the one in control. I spend days recovering from a phone conversation if things go badly and I've already wasted enough days. As much as I'd like to be strong enough to deal with this for myself, the real reason I've said "no more" is because I feel worse asking my husband to help me though those days when they are fully preventable than I do limiting contact with my parents. He is so willing to be there for me, but if I'm "self-injuring" by calling "home" and allowing myself to be triggered when I know before I call what will happen, it's a waste of our precious time together and his wondrous comfort. I feel a drive to find a solution to the problem before we start trying to get pregnant because I don't want to bathe my unborn child in the toxic chemicals which come with a panic attack if I can help it. I know how they make me feel for days afterwards. Call me co-dependent, but I can make better choices for myself only because it will benefit those who are a priority for me. I'm sad I can't (yet) make that choice for myself alone and I feel a tad stable making it for a person who doesn't exist, but at least I'm making a choice, right?