Paul's Audio Blog #1 (Dec. 17th, 2012)

[Soundwave_Surfer]

I LOVE what I just heard... So I transcribed it to share with all of you...

".....I wasn't ready to explore my own dark squares, but when I finally did, I discovered huge amounts of pain, rage, guilt, fear, sadness & despair...
An Irish Catholic casserole. Many many times I wanted to die, because I truly didn't believe I would ever get through it.
Nothing presents the opportunity for growth like pain. And if we avoid getting stuck in its two major trappings, self-pity & self-righteous anger... pain can leave some great things in its wake... clarity, compassion, humility, vulnerability, trust & joy. We wouldn't even have a word or even a concept for what light is if we didn't experience darkness. Most of our actions in life our driven by our feelings in our core... the ones that we can't even put into words... the ones that run the show. If we don't go in there and identify them & process them, we will be unconscious slaves to them for the rest of our lives. I have lived in that prison. My core belief was that I don't matter. If you'd stopped me on the street and asked me if I thought I mattered, I would've said yes & thought it was a ridiculous question, but at my core, I didn't feel it. My actions proved it. I'd spent my life trying to stand out. I was constantly trying to impress people. I had trouble speaking up for myself & I didn't think I deserved a better childhood. I began to hang out with people who treated me like I did matter & I began to avoid people who didn't. I began to heal.
I ran around for years thinking the right achievements would bring me love and then I would be able to relax and turn my spinning brain off. Turns out what I needed to relax was to just give myself permission to do it... But to give myself permission, I had to believe I'm okay exactly as I am... And to believe I'm okay, I had to experience living through something terrifying, like processing my past & coming out the other side okay... And that could only happen by asking for help.
There is no place in the future that is safe from pain. All we have is here... this moment... this little square. Explore it. It's your map. The universe gave it to you. We all have great things to discover inside ourselves, but most of it is guarded by fucking dragons. I've wanted to turn and run hundreds of times & I often did. But I kept coming back for help. I don't know why that is. Maybe deep down there was still a little tiny part of me that believed I matter. Ask yourself... Am I worth it? If the answer is yes... Start tomorrow. If the answer is no... Start right now. What do you have to lose? Nothing. Break out that broad sword and start exploring. Holy fuck is it an adventure. I'm not bullshitting. You'll be amazed at what you will find if you can let go of where you think you should be, what you think you should have, and who you think you should be. "
~Paul Gilmartin