Fears (cw: suicide)

[ghostmouse]

I'm afraid I won't be able to hold it together this summer, and my boss at the camp where I work (who I've known since I was a kid) will hold it against me forever.

I'm afraid I'll back off on my plan to work overseas next year and everybody who has been excited for me since I signed the contract will think less of me.

I'm afraid I will go overseas and there will finally be nothing standing in the way of killing myself.

I'm afraid I'll never kill myself, and I won't get a convenient disease and die young; I'll just carry on like this without being able to appreciate or give enough back to the world to justify my existence.

I'm afraid my parents secretly agree that there is no help for me.

I'm afraid my only internal reason for staying alive is a book that has no value to anyone else, and probably will never be published anyway.

I'm afraid of my brother being in trouble and I won't notice or be able to help.

I'm afraid I'll never live near my best friend again, and it won't make much difference to him.

I'm afraid these sound like the fears of an adolescent. I'm in my late twenties.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello ghostmouse, welcome to our little forum. Please know your fears are just a shadow cast by true reality. The reality of the situation is vibrant, and certain doom is an illusion. Please take care, all the best. We here are cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow!


___.oOo.______.oOo.______.oOo.______.oOo.______.oOo.______.oOo.______.oOo.___

Suicide and Suicide Prevention Resources

Suicide Prevention at 1-800-273-8255

another: 1-800-SUICIDE (1 800-784-2433)

another: type "Suicide Hotline" in you favorite Internet search

another: SuicideHotlines.com -- For Suicide Prevention & Emotional Crisis

These are your #1 resources, all other resources are conditional on you staying alive, and Suicide Prevention at 1-800-273-8255 is how you will stay alive.

"Coping with Suicidal Thoughts: A Resource for Patients" -- Suicide resource packet multipage PDF, a work-booklet using Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT)

Finally, here is a good summary of the precursors to suicide to help you understand yourself and others, it is from a PhD psychologist whose father committed suicide:

American Psychological Association - Thomas Joiner, PhD - Precursors to suicide, for yourself and others

Cheers to you, for scrolling all the way down to the bottom of this copypasta!

[ghostmouse]

Thank you for the reassurance. These fears are still active, but my mental state has cleared a bit.

[ghostmouse]

I'm afraid I'll never get help because talking about these feelings out loud makes me so uncomfortable and defensive that I lash out and can't communicate coherently and push kind people away.

I'm afraid I'll die by accident, with absolutely no advance warning, and my family and/or friends will end up reading all of my stupid notebooks.

I'm afraid I'll burn all my notebooks in preparation for a suicide attempt that fails, and I will not know how to resume my life.

I'm afraid that if I really let myself need somebody romantically I will need a far more than reasonable amount from them, and they will give up.

I'm afraid of the social aspect of going to the dentist. The discomfort I can handle, but I have a lot of shame around my teeth and I find the forced social interaction aspect makes it so much worse, even just thinking about making an appointment.

I'm afraid of calling anyone on the phone, particularly formal phone calls to businesses/institutions where I don't know exactly what's going to happen. Even if a call is fairly straightforward, I put it off as long as I can get away with and then some, and usually throw up in my mouth a couple of times before I succeed.

I'm afraid I'm slowly losing touch with reality and I'll reach the point of actually doing something really dangerous and out of control while I'm still telling myself "I'm not that kind of crazy."

I'm afraid of wasting other peoples' time and money in the mental health care system.

I'm afraid that whenever I try to put some narrative arc to my problems I am just making up a story to tell myself, and getting further from the truth in the process.

I'm afraid that if my book ever gets published, a writer or somebody else I admire will think it is so bad that they need to speak out publicly against it to protect young readers from my fucked up ideas.

I'm afraid that when I have horrible, intrusive sexual thoughts about people when we're hanging out, those thoughts are so powerful they are being telepathically broadcast into the mind of the other person (except different from how they're broadcast in my mind, because the other person is aware these are my fucked up visions, not theirs).

I'm afraid that I was healthier when I was cutting.

[ghostmouse]

I'm afraid I'm really close to no longer caring who I hurt, whether by living or by dying.

I'm afraid I have made myself impossible to take care of.

I'm afraid all the love I have for the world is completely useless.

I'm afraid I've been wrong to resist suicide this long.

I'm afraid that regardless of how long I hold off on killing myself, I will never get the question out of my mind long enough to accomplish anything to justify not having killed myself.

[irrationalpersist]

Great work, ghost mouse - get the fears out, and find a new way to live without those fears acting as a driving force. I can see you have great courage and strength. When I use my courage and strength to drive new practices in self-care I feel better and the fears will lose their power.

Sending you healing vibes for well-being.

[ghostmouse]

I'm afraid I'm a negative force in the lives of the children I work with, and that my feelings of validation that at least I am serving somebody on this planet are total bullshit.

[ghostmouse]

I'm afraid I'll never be a grown up.

I'm afraid I was never supposed to grow up.