Fearful about my first time writing my Fear Offs

[ImElectraHeart]

1. I'm afraid I will never be anonymous enough
2. I'm afraid that I will not have a terminal illness by the time I am thirty (that's in four years)... I am afraid of this fear.
3. I'm afraid that the million wishes I have made to die will only come true when I finally reach a happy, stable and safe place in my life. That would be just sad. And a bummer.
4. I'm afraid that by the time I manage to break free from my codependency on my parents and leave this prison of a country that they are forcing me to live in, it would be too late and I will have wasted my youth and any passion I might have retained.
5. I'm afraid that if I do manage to break away from my codependency and leave, it would turn out that I am not competent or adequate enough to work, study or live in a different country.
6. I'm afraid I will never regain my ability to trust myself.
7. I'm afraid of developing and/or having a passion or hope, for fear it would turn out illusory, fake and I would immediately lose interest because of my frequent episodic depression. I am sick and tired of disappointing myself, and my pretty traumatic past won't stop reminding me that I am merely a cowardly fraud and that I will always fail myself, just like I did in the past.
8. I'm afraid that recovering, becoming more emotionally healthy and letting go of my extremely rigid defenses will make me susceptible to future blows, pains and hurt and that I will eventually be re-traumatized and learn my lesson to never ever dare to hope again.
9. I'm afraid that because I have been with the same therapist for so long, she could potentially get so caught up in my own personal emotional blind spot that it becomes her as well, i.e. fuse or merge with my psychological makeup, and all my therapy sessions and the validation that comes from her will eventually turn out to be a lie because she will be seeing things through my eyes. Oh for fuck’s sake, what am I even writing?
10. I'm afraid that I am an awful teacher, and that the students 'like' me and 'pay heed' to me because they really don't know any better. Or because they know I'm stupid and so play along with. Either ways, the idea of this fills me with so much shame, guilt and remorse that I feel the urge to delete everything I have written here, say 'fuck you' to having pulled an all nighter to prepare for my classes, and crawl into bed like an injured animal hanging its head in shame.

Writing down my fears has turned to be an extremely painful and emotionally loaded process for me... I'm so sorry for being such a downer!

[Beany Boo]

I fucking love these fears. Great job, ImElectraHeart!

Sorry.

I get over excited when someone thinks similar to how I do.

I hope that doesn't put you off.

Keep posting.

[ImElectraHeart]

Oh, not at all! I've actually always felt pretty alone feeling those fears, so thank you for making me feel less alone .

[Beany Boo]

I know, I feel less alone too and relieved, to have read them.

I hope that brings you comfort.