What I pretend isn't true

[Beany Boo]

I miss with a child's emotional intensity, the wilderness of Skyrim and Witcher 3, and the streets of Assassins Creed like they were real places that I've lived in and loved (addicted to video games until recently, and keep having flashbacks)

When I broke my kneecap a few years ago and was seriously incapacitated for several months, I was the happiest I have been in my adult life

I feel creeped out when I'm talking to women, like someone is going to rush in and beat me while I'm distracted by them

I want to yell "Shut the fuck up!" when my mother talks about my sister's family, simply because I may now never have one

I can barely afford my friends, financially or emotionally

I simply miss the emotional cues that would allow me to start a relationship, and I couldn't afford it anyway

I don't feel undesirable but I don't think I could bear to let a woman see me naked these days

I don't actually hate my job, even though it's menial, and I'm obviously too old and experienced for it

My co-workers' voices hurt my ears, because they sound so relaxed and thoughtful, oblivious to the continuous siege my personal safety feels like it is under

I am constantly, minutely terrified of losing control of the tone of my voice, for fear what I am saying might be a lie, constructed long ago to avoid abject humiliation. It might be a lie but I can't risk finding out

I am afraid in my gut of further formal education even though I desperately want to enrol and would probably be a good student

I feel like my father died to punish me because of the one time I talked back to him for letting his rage explode at family gatherings

[brownblob]

Not sure why this is under lying

First thing is you're on to us. We've all been waiting for you to talk to a woman so we can rush in and beat you.
I relate to the wanting to yell at your mother to shut up. Not only the realization I'll never have a real family but also the fact it's a way of her reminding me that I don't matter because I'll never reproduce.
I miss all cues too.
I do feel completely undesirable but don't really have the fear of being seen naked.
I hate my job but am obviously to old stupid and lazy to find anything better. I have peaked.
My coworkers are oblivious to my state as well.
I used to lie about myself. Not big lies, just very vague shadowy lies to fill my history out so I didn't have to admit I have lived a small reclusive boring life
Anyway, just wanted to say I relate to a lot of what you say beany.

[Beany Boo]

Thank you oak,

I really appreciate you validating this; I breathe a little easier.

I put it under lying so I can become aware of what I am saying to people to keep all of this secret. If I can do that, I can maybe change the way I talk. The way I talk now feels like I'm lying, to avoid embarrassing others.

I'll give updates.

[Imissmysun]

I think everyone in this forum including myself lies to ourselves - everyday - I feel that my inability to see myself as a complete "good" functional capable person is because I am my own worst enemy - and even though I "know" they are lies, because there is no way that someone can be as conscientious as we all seem to be about our flaws and as much as we think about them and trying to figure them out - that means that we care to be better - how can we be "bad" and care to be better - that cannot exist logically together -

I wish I knew why negative thinking was so much louder in our heads than positive thinking - I guess thats why meditation is so good - you have to quiet your mind down so that you can hear the good voices more often - the truth of yourself -

The yelling liars have no space there because you are too busy noticing your bosy and how it is pretty amazing to notice the voices and they begin to lose their grip ever so slightly -