my cousin is SUPER triggering and I don't know what to do

[dogsdogsdogs]

Hey there, I'm having a dilemma.

I've struggled with anorexia and bulimia for about 7-8 years (I'm 23) and I've been in a recovery from the worst of it for 4 years. As anyone in recovery knows, it's a daily battle, but I'm super proud of myself for how far I've come in changing my thinking and habits.

anyway, my younger cousin is in town for a few months and I've been designated as her hang out buddy for the time she's here, which I was really excited about at first. She's 17 and she likes going to movies and we go to the gym together a few times a week, which seemed fun... at first. BUT there's problem. We can't go 5 minutes in conversation without her bringing up calories, weight loss, appearance, etc. Whenever we are eating together she asks about every single thing on her plate "is this unhealthy?" "how many calories do you think are in this?" my ED brain wants to indulge in this thinking and answer her questions, but my recovery brain is working very hard to ignore it. I've sort of confronted her a little bit about it, told her that I've struggled with an ED and that if she continues thinking the way she is she'll be going down a bad path.

yesterday was the last straw. We were leaving the gym and she asked me why I had only eaten a waffle all day. I told her that I took a nap before the gym and forgot to eat (I have depression as well and recently it has been affecting my appetite and I've been forgetting to eat). She kept hounding me about it and I kind of snapped and asked her why the hell she was asking me so many questions. She said she "wanted to know how to not be hungry like me". I told her "I have depression. That's why I'm not hungry, It makes me lose my appetite sometimes." she said that's not possible because depressed people usually eat a bunch when they're sad (I think she's only seen depression portraying on tv or in movies) and I tried to explain to her in my calmest voice that that is not the case for everyone. I seriously almost pushed her out of my car it made me so fucking angry that someone would want something so debilitating like depression or an eating disorder just so they can lose weight. It's obvious she just doesn't GET IT.

My question is, have you had to deal with a very triggering person? Her constant talk of counting calories and pounds has been stirring up feelings I've worked extremely hard on for 4 years to keep away. I can't exactly distance myself from her for another 2 1/2 months while she's here. In the meantime how the fuck do I deal with this???

Related side note: My brother has Crohns disease, has had quite a length of his intestines removed in multiple surgeries, and is stick thin because of it. My cousin has gone as far as to say that she wishes she had my brother's disease so she could eat as much as she wanted without gaining weight. !!!!! (I've had that fucked up thought myself, but never said it outloud) THAT'S INFURIATING TO HEAR. HOW DO I PUT THIS GIRL IN HER PLACE??

[bigeekgirl]

I can't imagine how hard these particular triggers would be just because our culture is so focused on the topic. She sounds particularly toxic.

The obvious and easier-said-then-done answer is boundaries around discussing food/calories/body image. Let her know you are unwilling to discuss the topics or listen to her talk about dieting/wanting to change her body due to it threatening your recovery.

[dogsdogsdogs]

thanks for the response

and you're right, the best thing to do would probably be confront her about it and tell her she can't talk about that stuff around me. And it is totally easier said than done. Maybe next time she's getting way too into that kind of talk I'll try to calmly tell her to stop. ugh

[bigeekgirl]

Rooting for you!

[fifthsonata]

Honestly, she's old enough to hear the complete truth. Don't sugar coat it. Tell her you will not be discussing these topics with her because you're in recovery and you don't want to be triggered in to a relapse. Tell her about any health problems you've incurred because of it (enamel damage, heart problems, whatever - be graphic). Let yourself blow up as much as you want. You've already told her to back off but she's not getting the picture - lay it out, in all of your angry glory, and tell her this topic is closed. Tell her that if she insists on discussing it even after you've told her to stop (again), that she will be on her own for the remainder of the time. This makes me sound like a cranky old lady, but sometimes teens need a smack in the face to get the picture....hell, *I* still need it from time to time.

If she's this insistent, and your family knows about the problem, tell them that you can't be around her because of how she's glorifying your illness. Let them know she's negatively triggering you - they should understand (hopefully).

I would also mention this obsession with her parents. If she's persistently discussing the topic and wishing she had a disease to be thinner, there's something already brewing in her head. The sooner it can be addressed, the better chance she has at staying healthy. You know how it goes - the longer someone goes untreated, the lower their chance at successful recovery.

Good luck!