I Went Way Overboard

[_mlmlmlm_]

Tl;dr: I became jealous of my husband and his GF due to some personal hangups and the fact that I haven't had sex in quite some time due to being in cast. After a long, difficult conversation he told me that I need to get this under control or he is leaving. I have hurt him too often and too much for him to continue living like this. I respect his need to do that.

Apologies for the wall of text. I know that if I just take this day by day vs. trying to fix our entire relationship at once, things can get better. If I go week by week, I can feel less overwhelmed. Easier said than done.

Here is a what happened, as I explained to my friend:

I woke up this morning thinking...is this really my life? Did I fucking act that way?.

I have been feeling super insecure and jealous for the last 5 days or so. Yesterday, I told my husband I was fine if he had sex with his GF last night while I was at a friend's.

I've been sharing my jealousy about their sex life - I haven't had sex because of the foot thing and he has been super horny lately because of a new med so he and his GF have been doing it, and of course I'm at home all day, everyday because I'm in a cast so I can't drive myself anywhere - and have been since February 7. So sometimes I hear them and it's difficult for me. I have a lot of sex hangups in general, and I've only just realized them, and so not only am I not having sex but I'm also really self-conscious about the fact that I have sex hangups and they seem to have a really positive sex life.

So, fast-forward to when I get home and I know that they were going to or are or whatever. Not a problem. But then I try to open the door, and it's locked. I don't have my keys and I can't go in through the back because of my fucking foot.

So, I have to ring the doorbell and then I called a few moments later because I wasn't sure if they heard the bell.

My husband said I sounded angry on the phone. I was angry, we only lock our door at night when we go to sleep, so I immediately felt like they were trying to keep me out. Complete bullshit: His GF (our roommate/his girlfriend/my friend) didn't know I wasn't home so she locked the door for the night, and he didn't know she had done that...because why would she tell him? And I didn't have my keys because I haven't been driving and we only lock up at night. AND I couldn't go around back and let myself in because I am on crutches.

So when he comes to the door I have chosen to just keep being angry instead of choosing to not play the victim and blame everybody for my feelings.

Well, I made everything really awkward and we had this talk about the way I behaved...all the while I've had to have him let me in in the middle of sex. So it was just super awkward and I think he felt the most awkward. I was just irrationally angry.

So then, he goes into the bedroom and is going to take a shower because I, essentially, made their sex life about me and now everything was weird so how could they finish?

...but wait! There's more!

So, I said I was going to go to bed. And I sort of did, but I was crying and yelling into my pillow and pinching it and kind of like, slapping my leg, it was really weird and I have never done the last things, and rarely do I do those other things. I almost never feel so FULL OF RAGE.

I realized my phone was in the living room and crutched to grab it. Still crying and just generally acting 100% uncontrolled except I wasn't, like, screaming and yelling.

He came in to get some water from the kitchen and I was on the couch. He said goodnight and I did too, but I was still so mad at myself and just angry and idontevenknow that after he walked away I punched myself in the leg, not super hard because I'm a buddy, but I still made that action.

My husband saw me do that and he was very upset, rightfully so. He felt like I had done that at the moment because of him, like that I'd not been doing that before and it was a reaction to his presence.

Also, he was upset that I was hurting myself. Of course! And we needed up having this long, painful (especially for him) conversation about how he has been trying to get me to fix the things that cause this behavior for 3 years.

He talked to me angrily, and he later in the conversation told me he promised he'd never talk to me like that...like his father talked to him.

He said things, and tried and failed to not interrupt him. And at the end we both said: I don't know what to do anymore.

He is so tired of me taking my emotions out on him. I do it all the time and with therapy I feel all of those emotions so much more, and instead of sitting with them I just give them to whoever is near. It's a terrible thing to do and I've been using him for 7 years.

I've been fucking lying to him and using him for 7 years. What the fuck.

So last night, we didn't end on this but he said if I do it again in the next week - if I don't sit with my feelings and not try to fill space with whatever words I feel compelled to say, essentially if I act like a selfish, ego-driven prick again in the next week he is leaving.


Of course, he's ready to be done with this. He should have probably left a long time ago. I've treated him so terribly and am only really realizing it after we have reached the absolute bottom of the barrel.

[oak]

First up, well done for using your words. You did excellent.

There are a lot of moving parts here.

From what I gather, you and your husband got quite a few things out, said.

The older I get, mlm, the more I err on "getting everything said" than "saying things perfectly". I am increasingly wary and weary of sweeping things under the rug.

We should be kind and considerate, but eventually this stuff has to get out. These secrets, these resentments, are heavy burdens.

There is also a cold comfort in realizing that we see things as they are, not as we wish them to be.

I hope you will forgive my sermonizing, mlm: this is easier to say than to do!

While I don't have any advice regarding the specifics of your situation, I strongly and kindly encourage you to keep doing exactly what you've done here and with your friend: keep talking about this. Get it all out.

Keep us posted!