Unsure if I have it.

[lawlifelgbt]

I think I might have BPD. I'll be 23 next month, and have had months/years of self-harm interspersed with months/years of normalcy. I never noticed any real symptoms of it except for self-harm and mood changes until recently, when I started law school and started seeing my fiancee. I still don't have much outwardly directed anger, though I have very rare moments of intense anger. Unlike some people with it, I've stuck to my aims for years, not changing them or feeling my identity was disrupted. It feels pretty stable, except for when I was 20, and then later at 22, when I came out as bi and then as a lesbian.

I just notice a lot of the "abandonment" stuff coming up around my fiancee. My parents were emotionally unavailable, and my mother was extremely demanding and strict. I don't feel very attached to them. My fiancee is the only person to know about all my issues and everything about me, and still love me. She's the only person who ever held me when I cry, and the only person I feel comfortable crying around.

But I live in the Twin Cities in Minnesota. She lives in the greater Chicago area. We got engaged just five months after our first date. Because of school, we can't move in together for at least another 18 months. Long-distance is hard, which would explain me being sad when we have to leave each other. I don't just feel sad or cry a little.

I cry for hours and am a miserable wreck for the next day or two. Often, I cry even before we've split up, upsetting us both. Last time she left, we got into a fight because I really wanted her to hold me (I want/need a lot of cuddling and physical touch), but she needs space, and said she wanted it while she could get it before the cramped trip home. She snapped at me, and I stormed into my room and cried more, hoping she would feel bad and give me some of the affection I needed. There have also been one or two times when I've pretended to be upset, or made myself upset when I wanted her affection, because I feel weird about directly asking, and she sometimes says no. When she finally had to leave last time, she practically had to pry me off her so she wasn't late catching her bus back. I couldn't even go to the station with her because I was afraid I'd make a huge scene. Another time, I told her that on my way back from her place, I would probably stop in the city and buy razor blades. It wasn't a threat of "if you leave me, or I have to leave you, I'll hurt myself," but I wanted her to know how upset I was at her leaving. I've told her several times that I think she's going to leave until the next time I see her, and I only have "proof" she's not leaving me when I see her. I also yelled at her to go do a summer study abroad that she wanted because "I don't matter! Go if you want! You're going to leave me anyway!"

I'm generally able to recognize when I'm being irrational later, and we resolve our arguments. I just know deep down that I'm terrified she'll leave. I can't lose the only person who loves me with no conditions. I also (and hate myself for it), know I sometimes manipulate her into giving me comfort and affection, which I lacked growing up. I feel like I'm twelve emotionally, and it sucks. I know how much she loves me, but at the same time, it doesn't feel like she cares enough.

So basically, I have mood changes, sensitivity, self-harm, some manipulation and anger, and whatever this weird abandonment thing is with her. Are all symptoms needed for a diagnosis? Do you have to be afraid everyone's going to leave you? What do you do if you have it?

[Cheldoll]

Hey there. I'm not really qualified to give you a diagnosis or anything, but I do know that mental illnesses are definitely not black and white -- you don't need every symptom to be diagnosed with something. Actually I think that applies for most illnesses too? Not sure. I honestly know very little about BPD. I just wanted to reply so you knew that people were reading what you posted and want to help.