Anniversaries

[Swamp Witch]

Hey guys I'm Swamp Witch

I wanna know what you guys do when you know the anniversary of something traumatic or otherwise horrible is coming up.

In my case, from mid-August to mid-September is the anniversary of my time spent in the hospital while I suffered with Stevens-Johnson syndrome. So it's a full month of one fresh hell after another, all day and all night for 32 days. This time around, 2022 edition, will be the third anniversary for me. The last two have not been great: in 2020 I had to get myself into therapy bc I didn't know what was happening to me and my body (my body and subconscious were flashing back, and some of those flashbacks were very confusing because I don't remember the original traumas bc of the drugs I was on, very upsetting and exhausting and traumatizing in their own ways), and last year in 2021 I actually wound up with a DUI during this anniversary period. Also my birthday falls squarely in the middle of this month-long hell slog, so that's...ugh. My fucking birthday reminds me of the ICU now.

I have never wanted to be someone who makes a big deal out of these arbitrary dates, bc it's not logical! Haha, I am not in the middle of those events anymore, I am alive and ok and healed up, doing well. But my subconscious disagrees, my subconscious and my whole body react to these dates, and insist on being very out of sorts for a solid month. Yes I have read The Body Keeps The Score, and yes it's a great book but I haven't finished it bc it was extremely triggering to me. I'm also still in therapy with a great therapist that I love and I'll be asking her about this next week too.

So, fellow mentalpod fans, how do y'all prepare for these tough anniversaries if you know it's going to be difficult? What plans do you make? Are there precautions you take? Do you plan to get away for a while, or sink into a hobby or project? Are you private about it or more vocal, so you may lean on your support system during this time? Do you engage here on this forum more, or elsewhere online?

Lend me your fresh eyes and your experience, let me know how you deal and how it goes

[oak]

Hi SwampWitch. Welcome.

I am sorry the previous anniversaries were troubling. "ICU" and "DUI" are two difficult experiences indeed. I'm glad you're in a better place now.

I have read The Body Keeps The Score, and yes it's a great book but I haven't finished it bc it was extremely triggering to me.

Word. Both things you said are true: it is great, and triggering.

Keep us posted!

[manuel_moe_g]

I am completely ignorant of the calendar for almost all things, so I have no advice to give there.

But please take good care of yourself, sending you good vibes over the internet wires, hoping you are self-compassionate with yourself. All the best to you, Swamp Witch.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi swampwitch

Having a somewhat mysterious family history with members dying on birthdays, four of them and counting, we approach now with a different mindset.
My twin died on our birthday so I always give her a dedicated acknowledgment on that day. I’ve also been known to write to her or even go for a walk somewhere nice to just allow the loss to process.
With my grandad dying on my sons birthday I found that the hardest and spent the first ten years extremely anger and in pits of misery. It’s taken me over 17 years to learn to process it and allow the emotions to pass through me.
With mum passing on my nephews birthday we have also gone through the same as the above. Same with my grandma passing and dad.

All of this has been a catalyst for me being here and from what I’ve learnt thus far only you can find a way to process it.
Maybe find your outlet that rings comfort with you, write your emotions down and then burn it? Acknowledge it and grieve for that time of your life then acceptance will follow.
It’s all about acceptance and understanding your not alone. It’s about picking out the changers that have made you unique and how you can use this terrible event to help yourself and others.
Maybe sit and write a list of the negatives and positives and really reflect on it.

Only you can reach deep within yourself and begin healing. It’s so confronting and it’s also so rewarding at the other end. No day is the same and some days you will want to give up trying but just know it’s only right now that matters.

Hang in there.

[Swamp Witch]

Oh Mental Fairy that is so much to cope with. Your advice is so mature and helpful too. Thank you for talking to me, it really is valuable. You take care now too!

And Manny I wish I could ignore the calendar too! Haha sometimes I do not realize what day it is until I stop to think about why I'm so anxious or upset.

I'm expecting this year to be better, since I'm sober and medicated for my mood disorder this time around, and armed with therapeutic tools and coping mechanisms too.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi swampwitch

Just make sure you acknowledge your emotions and degree of feelings. To ignore them only makes things much worse in the long run.
I hope this year you can learn that your feelings are your own and your in control.

[Swamp Witch]

I just thought I might post an update here, since I have made it through Trauma-versary 2022.

This whole thing basically became a 2-month depressive phase, and all through August and September I kind of shut down and ate candy about it haha. I stopped exercising and was exhausted the whole time but I did okay. Gaining a couple pounds is much better than a DUI like last year, so an improvement for sure.

During the summer Paul forwarded me an email from another survivor of SJS/TENS. Their experience was not on the same level with mine but I sent an email to that person anyway to introduce myself and offer support as I would any other survivor. I got no reply, and of course I respect their decision to not respond, but it was still painful to have that small hope eroded away. It's all right though, in reality nothing has changed; there was no one before and there is no one now.

My home life wears on me daily as I struggle for financial independence. A few weeks ago my support group was discontinued and my sense of isolation solidified like hot glass into a mold. Lately I feel like I'm trying to function with this huge glass crystal inside my body, a foreign implant with hard corners jabbing against lungs and bones. It reminds me of the tubes and lines of the ICU; flesh and cartilage cramp around a tracheotomy, lines placed into my stomach emerge from bloody nostrils to snag on the furniture. It hurts to breathe. Hurts to walk. It hurts to scrape my eyes open and look at my life. Hurts to think and to cry. Visiting my friends hurts me when I leave, because I miss them and am jealous of their progress toward the things they want. Even getting comfortable is a painful process, easily disrupted.

I know that changing my life into what I want and need is going to hurt worse before it feels better. I dread the cracking of the glass, the cuts and the collapse. We all bleed before we heal, I guess.

On the more positive side, I have maintained my sobriety. I just recently passed 7 months sober and that feels so empowering. I feel like I know myself better now. Staying sober is a valuable tool I'm glad to have. After November I will be off probation for that DUI I mentioned. I have picked up my running and lifting habits again, just in time for the beautiful fall weather. It's spooky season which is my favorite time of year. I am taking my meds diligently. I am in therapy, and my therapist is helping me understand how to make things better for myself, though I still suffer under the belief that I will certainly fail.

I don't know. It's been a hard couple of months. I am okay though.

I hope you are too.


Thanks for reading,
Swamp Witch

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello Swamp Witch!

I got no reply, and of course I respect their decision to not respond, but it was still painful to have that small hope eroded away. It's all right though, in reality nothing has changed; there was no one before and there is no one now.

Oh, I am so sorry to hear this. This connection would have been so special. I am sorry you have to go through the harsh memories alone.

A few weeks ago my support group was discontinued and my sense of isolation solidified like hot glass into a mold.

This is also very sad. You deserve better.

Visiting my friends hurts me when I leave, because I miss them and am jealous of their progress toward the things they want.

Yeah, i know this feeling.

I know that changing my life into what I want and need is going to hurt worse before it feels better.

So very true, this is one constant in the universe. Why is that? We must dip into more pain at the very time we crave relief?

I just recently passed 7 months sober and that feels so empowering.

Congratulations! Sobriety is a foundation that you can build so much upon!

I am taking my meds diligently. I am in therapy, and my therapist is helping me understand how to make things better for myself, though I still suffer under the belief that I will certainly fail.

What is your definition of "failing"? At one time i thought any collapse was necessarily a failure, but i expanded my definition of success to allow taking my time to get back up after a collapse. The getting back up again is the important part. i hope you are comfortable with expanding your definition of success too.

Please take care, keep the lines of communication open, all the best to you.

You deserve better than you have been offered by life. Again, take care.

[Mental Fairy]

Good morning swamp witch

Your posts have been a firm reminder on how we deal with things over time.

Some people whom we reach out too may not respond due to their own battles on any one particular day. Maybe shame, sadness, triggering or just lost for words.

When you talk of your body and all it’s gone through I appreciate the struggles you have faced have been beyond difficult.

You must be proud of your accomplishments, getting back into self care and acknowledging your great achievements. Cause I’m super proud of you for that.

I went for a run yesterday to test myself in daylight, not something I enjoy. My runs are slower, I feel like I’m always looking over my shoulder and when I was passed by someone I broke inside. I almost cried and kicked a tree or two. Recovery from medical events is so bloody hard. The emotions that come with it are tsunami size.

I really just wanted to say that I hear you and appreciate your posts.

[Swamp Witch]

Hey guys thank you for reading, it is very helpful to see your words and know you're there. Thank you so much.

Manny: I do have trouble with my definition of success, obviously. I've been over it with my therapist but I still have a hard time. For instance I want to write a book, I'd love to be a published writer one day. But, getting published is not in anyone's control, there's a ton of luck involved and it's always a long shot. My therapist says if I wrote the book and it was never published then I still will have written the book and therefore that's a success. And I just don't see it that way haha. I don't want to just have a bunch of words on my computer like every other wannabe (I know, I know this is an unhealthy attitude). I want to write a book and hold it in my hand, and enrich the lives of others with my words.

Sigh. My therapist has also said I need to practice patience and persistence. Because you get nothing in life without fighting, and you'll probably have to fight a long time for the things you want. Hearing that just....makes me tired.

Mental Fairy: to be clear I'm not angry with that other survivor for not replying to me. I completely understand, perhaps better than most, why they might make that decision, and they don't owe me an explanation or anything at all. It does however irk me that they would tell Paul that they had this syndrome, after hearing my request for a connection, if they were not actually prepared to foster any connection or if they knew our experiences didn't line up. But as I said, they don't owe me anything and I'm not really mad about it.

Awww I'm sorry you had a bad run! That's the worst. To be fair though, if you don't usually run in daylight as you said, the heat can absolutely wreck your performance. Nothing improves my performance like a temperature drop. And who cares if people pass you! If anything, everyone out there respects your efforts, they know how hard it is to build fitness. Even "just" walking is great exercise. You're out there getting your activity in instead of laying on the couch and that's what matters.

You guys are so sweet, thank you again for responding when I'm down like this. It really does help.

Hope you're well,
Swamp Witch