Introduction

[reallyreallytrying]

Hi everyone,

It's hard to know what to share in my introduction... I kind of feel the need to make sure it's "well written" and interesting for it to be worthwhile, but I am going to force myself to just be honest and hopefully that will foster some sort of connection with someone.

I have listened to the podcast for about 4 years now, and it has gotten me through SO much. I've always meant to join the forum but am a great procrastinator, as many of you will understand. I am joining now because I'm stuck, and not getting the help I need from professionals. I feel the need to reach out to others who understand and also to ask some specific questions about how to proceed, which I guess I'll save for my second post.

I have anxiety and depression, and a touch of OCD (I don't know if it's disrespectful to say "touch of OCD", but it does seem to me that many disorders exist on a spectrum, and that I exhibit very clear aspects of OCD, but on a small scale compared to most). I take "as needed" meds for anxiety/panic attacks and utilize behavioral tools to manage my everyday anxiety. I've had depression at least since I was 16 years old (almost 13 years), which fluctuates in its intensity. Right now I feel like I have the tools to manage the mood part of the disorder--not that it's easy--but my biggest issue is this horrible fucking brain fog which makes me feel not only unlike myself, but like I'm not a full human being... AND is making me unable to function (had this for years, but it feels like it's at its worst now). I'm a student, and I am working towards a degree in the mental health profession and I am starting to wonder if I can even achieve that. I do think about suicide a lot, but I won't do it, because I don't want to hurt the people I love. I've seen what suicide does to loved ones.

But I can't remember anything--short-term, long-term... At least 50% of the time I forget what I'm saying halfway through a sentence and have to fight like hell to get back to whatever is actually happening in the moment. I'm supposed to start a new semester and I'm so scared because my brain isn't functioning properly and I can't afford to fuck up again. I'm a good student when my brain works but I just don't know if I can make it through another semester at what feels like 5% brain capacity. I've been trying to get professional help and I'm at a fucked up impasse because of the stupid medical/insurance system and some shitty psychiatric professionals. I'm going to post some specific questions later but for now, that's my situation.

Thanks for reading, if you made it through! I appreciate the community here. I look forward to mutual support with people who understand.
-Trying as Hard as I Fucking Can. Can't Really Take it Anymore

[reallyreallytrying]

This is me again. I forgot to mention that I've taken all types of antidepressants and none have worked for me and most have made me worse mentally and physically for very prolonged periods of time.

[oak]

Hey! Welcome and thanks for posting. I'm glad you did.

It sounds like you are indeed facing several tough issues, and that you have tools to use with them.

Yes, in graduate school one does need their brain to be working in an efficient and flowing manner.

If you don't mind me asking, do you have pretty good cognition? In other words, are you pretty smart when you aren't foggy?

I'm being inelegant, but I think you see what I am getting at.

[brownblob]

Welcome to the forum. Being in that stuck spot sucks. You want help but can't find it. You need to reach out for people but nobody is there. The brain fog sucks, but I have no advice on how to deal with it. I can't imagine getting through school with it. Wish I could be more helpful.

[brownblob]

Welcome to the forum. Being in that stuck spot sucks. You want help but can't find it. You need to reach out for people but nobody is there. The brain fog sucks, but I have no advice on how to deal with it. I can't imagine getting through school with it. Wish I could be more helpful.

[reallyreallytrying]

Hi oak, thank you so much for replying to me. It means a lot.

I'll try to answer your question, though it's hard to gauge one's own intelligence.
I can say that people in my life who I deem intelligent often say that I am.
I can say that I am a very thoughtful person, pretty emotionally intelligent and a straight-A student... used to win spelling bees back in the day as a kid, etc. I'm curious why you ask, and if that means you have any thoughts for me about my situation (I welcome anything--doesn't have to be advice).

Again, thank you so much for replying. I look forward to getting to know your story as well.

[reallyreallytrying]

Hi brownblob, thank you so much for replying to me. I really appreciate the empathy.
I also LOVE your username. Made me smile

By the way, the empathy is helpful just in itself. Don't discount it. Thanks so much.

I look forward to learning your story. It sounds like you have been here before, or maybe are here now.

[oak]

Very good!

The reason I ask is because it sounds like your mind, your ability to succeed in graduate school, your fogginess, is not due to a lack of ability. (And a graduate school would be unlikely to admit someone who couldn't make it, academically.)

That being said, it sounds to me (and I am by no means any expert) like there is something else going on: perhaps the medicine, perhaps eating habits/schedule, or sleep. I mean it could be anything, but were I to guess, I'd start with medicine, then eating, then sleeping.

I say this kindly, and gently (you can't tell my sincerity through the internet, but it is there): at age 29 it is on the outside of the bell curve to forget 50% of what one is saying, and to have one's brain at 5%. I say this not to shame or alarm you, but to say that you clearly have a fine mind, and something is interfering with it.

Here's what I'd do, were I in your situation: start to use your benefits. As a student, start by contacting the wellness people. Tell them what you told us, and keep telling people until someone cares. It may be the first person you tell, it might be the 15th. But someone out there can fix this.

I think you're going to be okay. You're going to make it. Just use your words. Keep us posted.

[brownblob]

I do relate to some things in your post. I'm 48, but have dealt with depression on and off since I was about 13. I first tried to find help when I was a college student at 19. I didn't find any real help. I ended up unable to finish college because I couldn't make it through a semester without ending up suicidal. I did find a med that helped and I kind of leveled out a bit. I was completely turned off by the mental health system. I have dealt with little depressions off and on throughout my life, but about 2 years ago I plunged into a really bad one. I have found a med that is helped and I'm doing okay now, but I do have memory and concentration problems. The memory problems I blame on having ECT's when I was younger, but the concentration problems have been bad since that depression hit 2 years ago. I have a hard time focusing on conversations, things I read, the TV, even the podcast. My mind just kind of drifts off and I miss pieces. Sometimes I try to listen to what someone is saying, and somehow my brain just won't take it in. It's frustrating. My memory seems to be getting worse too. I think some of it may be not getting enough sleep.
Anyway, I do have empathy for you. I hope you can find a way to get through these issues and get through college.

[bigeekgirl]

Hi reallyreallytrying! Nice to meet you. It is so difficult when my brain acts up. I powered through my depression and anxiety in childhood and adolescence, but as an adult, it's caught up with me a couple times and kicked the shit out of me.
I hope you are seeking help, medical and student services-wise, parents if they are safe. It sounds like what you are facing is very real and very much chemical. No different than any other disease.

Best of luck, friend.