I know I'll be okay, it just don't feel like it right now

[erinlewis]

When I was 14, I started cutting myself in an attempt to deal with my dad's alcoholism and my mom's complete denial of anything negative. I didn't so much cut myself as much as I scratched myself with whatever was handy. Mostly it was safety pins or x-actos or broken glass, but I digress in my attempt to both give weight to people who have suffered far more AND belittle my own pain. Such is life. It wasn't chronic. It was stress-induced. But I stopped in undergrad. I started telling myself that I didn't do things like that anymore, and it worked. Sort of.
"Sort of", because I'm writing this from the bathroom at my work. I am shaking with the effort of trying to deal with the complexity of my grief over my dad's death (which occurred less than a year ago). I started a new job a month after he died, and it's the best job I've ever had, but I find it completely meaningless and I cannot relate to any of my co-workers. This should tell us all something about the nature of my previous jobs as well as my lack of ability/willingness to support the status quo. I keep telling myself that I don't cut myself anymore, and I know I won't.
I just thought that eventually the urge would go away. It has for the most part, but when it comes back on those rare occasions all I can do is hold on.
It's probably been over a decade since I consciously decided to stop, and even though times like these are becoming increasingly rare, I am greedy. I would like this to stop being an "option" even in my thoughts. I guess part of why I'm here right now is because I want to try to figure out if that's too much to expect.
Anyway, I better get back to pretending like I'm not falling apart so the company I work for can keep making money or something.

Thank you for letting me be authentic.

Xoxo,
erin

[Imissmysun]

God I get you...

I hate my job - my life is falling apart and I have no mask - I wear my disapointment in my life like a badge because I don't know how to hide it - I know people like other smiley people but it is so hard to smile some days...


I was never a cutter but I get that it gives you something to focus on - something that isnt your greif and your pain - its like rubbing near an area that you banged into something so that there is another sensation to focus on -

I instead was a day dreamer (otherwise known as disassociating completely and not engaging in life) my thoughts kept be company my imaginary fairy world where cats talked and were WAY kinder than people...

but I get the complexity of greif I lost my father when I was 8 - it changed everything about me - I still don't know all the ramifications this has had to my personality - and it was 30 years ago.

You can learn new coping skills however the cutting desire will always creep up because it was how you learned to cope during your formative time - right around 11-15 our brains grow a ton and we soak up vast amounts of information - its also when we try to be more adult in our interactions - this coping mechanism is going to be a very nostalgic thing for you and thats normal -

You are so strong and you are fighting a good fight.

Thank you for sharing, don't be afraid to share.

I am proud of you for doing so.