Only the lonely

[Carl]

I am not in the mood for this right now. I am hungry, cold and very spacy. But I will persevere for a while. When I am not sitting here, I just want to get back here and write. OK Timer set for 20 minutes. Free writing. Feeling insignificant all the sudden. My story takes too much energy to tell. Life takes too much energy. No discipline. The last podcast about emotional neglect really resonated with me. So much to say. Not sure anyone is interested. Noone has ever been interested in my life. I used to have to call my mother by her first name before she would answer me. Not sure how straight forward I want to be. I guess if I am going to heal, I must get real. So here goes. Out of no lack of respect for my ansestors. Well, I had absolutely no respect for my father. So much to say. Is it really worth it? Dinner; Dad: " pour me another cup of coffee with your itty bitty hands." You took the cream away so fast" " "Don't be so mean" "Some day I will be dead and you will feel guilty you treated me so badly" "Isn't she beautiful?" This phrase I often heard when my father was trying to entertain (be funny or just plain wierd) around our employees.

Memories snapshots:
Sitting in the woods in my A-frame. for days. Thinking "I have to get out of here." But where would I go? "I should invite some friends from school over, but there is no one I feel comfortable with.

Coming home from my friends house, bursting into tears. My mother telling my that if this was going to be the effect on me of visiting, she would not let me visit any more.

Being 75 feet up in a pine tree at the edge of a 300' cliff with one of my classmates (the only time she ever visited; her mom was visiting my mom.) Digging the hell out of it. My mother calling from the house to get down. I was so in the moment. Love climbing trees. Always in the moment experience.

Sitting in a tree at the UofM at 5 years old with a friend making bird sounds.

Wow! not very exciting. Not notable. I would say that is me. Not notable. So I am a low to medium grade musician. Not bad for a girl.

Wasn't a bad skier for a girl either. Grew up on a small ski hill in Montana that my parents owned for 26 years. Lots of pride there. Luckily I got out before it tanked. So much and so little to say. Once again, afraid of being boring and blocking.

When I tell people this, they always say, "Wow! What a place to grow up! Well...yes and no...

We lived 3 miles up a canyon road. The bus only took me to the bottom of the canyon. Most of the time, my mom would forget to come and pick me up....Actually, one of my first huge heart breaks. Well, not my first but the one on my mind at present: I used to wait at my friend's house at bottom of the canyon. This was first grade. It didn't take long for her mother to tell me that I couldn't wait at the house any longer for my mom to pick me up. I don't think I told my mother that I had been kicked out of my friend's house. I just went down to the road and would wait sometimes for 45 minutes for my mother to come pick me up. In the 4th grade I took up the baritone horn, and would often start walking up the road, sometimes making it home before my ride arrived.

OK, that was 20 minutes. Going to just throw it out there. I am hoping that this is the start of some real understanding into a childhood leading to a lifetime of sadness, oftentimes leaving me wondering why my brain is so screwed up. Lots more to come.

I listen to the podcasts almost nonstop. Best thing ever. Explaining so much, helping me put pieces of my puzzling, lonely, sad life that keeps persisting; functioning well enough in a world that is full of people that are too happy and too fulfilled, too full of events and adventure for me not to realize (feel like) at 62, most of my life has physically passed me by.
Thank you thank you thank you for this series.

Like:
Day after day, alone on a hill
The girl with the foolish grin is sitting perfectly still
Noone seems to notice
They can see that she is just a fool......

"The fool on the Hill sees the world spinning round."

[verne]

Hi Carl!

I'm new here, too, so I think it befitting to say hi to you and to say that TONS of what you mention in your intro resonates with me, too. Isolation, which maybe began as a reaction to being outcast in my past, has deepened for me, becoming something I need to feel calm, but also something I recognize as being a limitation in my life. I am lonely and find myself wondering if that is just a feeling I need to get used to? Sigh. I don't know. I also found myself nodding when you say that everything takes too much energy. I feel the same. Anyway, I wanted to know that you are being heard, all the way up here in Canada, and to say that there is definitely solidarity here!

Take care,
Verne