I've posted here before but it's been awhile, and it never lasted anyway...
So I spent 3 months tapering off lithium. I've been fully off it for about a week now. The whole time tapering off it I felt a little better. Colors seemed slightly brighter, the world a little more full of possibilities etc. Since I normally ideal in a shallow depression this seemed a nice change of pace and I started feeling like maybe this is more my "true self" (whatever that means).
Ever since my last dose my anxiety has raged back. It started in my stomach (something that seemed like a constant problem before I went on lithium but had been much better for a few years) with a knot, then nausea and then the gas. Once that happens I'm a whole lot interested in eating. I have more trouble sleeping when I don't eat. You see where this is going...
I do feel I'm managing the anxiety / slide in to hypomania well and keeping myself from totally falling into it, although there are moments when it feels totally out of control. I saw my therapist Wed and I see my physiatrist next Wed. When I saw my therapist it all felt like anxiety and we had a productive session about longstanding issues that presumably contribute to all this. I took the rest of the day off and was able to keep myself level.
Yesterday I had a busy-ish work day but held it together and everything went as well as it could. I have a lot of judgement towards myself when it comes to work performance so that's better than I often feel about it. I took some pictures at a local college after work and then took my dog on a long walk (which is basically a hike - my neighborhood is all hills so that's something my knees sometimes don't allow. I had a really nice night with my partner. We talked about some issues regarding possibly having a baby. I opened up to him about my need for more verbal reassurance and told him I'm trying not to just bottle it until it totally explodes. It was good.
But then it took me 2 hours to fall asleep, even though I took a benedryl, watched reruns and finally just laid in bed breathing. It worked though. Then I woke up at 5. Now I'm struggling to hold it together.
I could go on and on but I'll leave it at that for now.
